It struck me the other day that we talk about influential politicians, business people, and others who are trend setters but I was thinking how this word applies to parents! Children are not a direct expression of us – of our particular child-rearing philosophy, our strengths or weaknesses, what we think we have done right or wrong along the way of raising our children. The closest thing I think we can get to really is having an influence on them.
One of the key ways of doing this is discussed by Vijay Yogendra in his book on parenting (http://www.thefoundation.org.au/store) when he talks about the importance of retaining the sensitivity of the child. This sensitivity can be lost in two ways. One is by treating the child harshly. When this happens children can lose their goodwill towards the adults around them and their willingness to take direction. The become defiant and unco-operative. At the extreme, a person who was treated with abuse as a child can have deeply entrenched anger which can be ignited by small triggers.
It is the same in training a horse – you don’t need to touch the horse harshly. But one day you give him a little thump and say, “Come on now” and he realizes what you mean. That little thump makes him realize what is needed but at the same time you are maintaining his sensitivity. But if you keep whipping a horse, as they do with the buggies in Bombay, you lose it – they hammer them with big canes and they don’t move an inch. The horses have no sensitivity. So you have to allow children to be sensitive. Don’t make them immune to your influence through over-disciplining or punishing them… Out of this treatment comes arrogance and resentfulness. The child feels he has to prove he is right, so he argues with you and becomes hardened and stubborn.
At the other end of the spectrum are children who have been over-indulged. They develop a sense of entitlement and a precocious sense of their own importance which can also make them immune to your efforts to bring out a whole raft of qualities such as co-operation, non-competitiveness, sharing, consideration and kindness. These qualities are actually innate in a child.
All we are trying to do is allow the child to do the right thing. It is within the child to do the right thing. You are not teaching him anything – he already knows it. You only have to make him recognize what he knows, that is all. And that is where the skill is. One day the child will realize and behave consistent with what he has within him.
Quotes are from a forthcoming book on Total Education by Vijayadev Yogendra.
